Monday, June 2, 2008

u YorkiePoo

Sorry for my absence of posts lately, I recently finished my script and have been in drawn out negotiations to get my script sold to a yet unnamed studio. Suffice to say, it’s a done deal, you can look for my movie late next summer, perhaps Labor Day weekend 2009, with Brad Pitt in the lead, chasing down tons of hot bitches.

u YorkiePoo is a post modern action thriller about the worlds most prolific watch dog, who is surreptitiously drugged and captured by a corporate titan, Micro Flaccid, so that his DNA can be extracted and used to clone and merge with cybernetic implants to create an even tougher, harder to stop watch dog who will be used to help Micro Flaccid take over global leadership in a world where large scale multi-national corporations rule the world and its resources while governments kowtow to the tyrannical whims of the CEO’s of these corporations.

In true action thriller style, our yet to be named villain decides to dispose of our hero, me, in an overly elaborate manor, from which, I of course escape. Think James Bond in Goldfinger. After disposing of dozens of low grade bad dogs, German Shepard’s, Dobermans etc, I go about the business of saving the world.

There will be lots of totally believable stunts, great cars and of course lots of hot bitches.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

My New Place

Ok, I haven’t been around for a while. I have been busy with a little home improvement project. I scored a sweet deal on a new dog house. Snoopy’s venerable red dog house was repossessed when he started missing payments on his home equity line of credit. I picked it up for a pittance. I have since totally redone the bedroom. The uplighting really contributes to the mood when I have bitches over and the canopy bed is always a hit with the ladies.
The game room is just your basic man cave, big TV, wet bar and pool table. I didn’t do much to it, although I have been thinking about redoing the walls with dark oak paneling.
I redid the kitchen and added all stainless appliances, granite counter tops and some lighting to make the kitchen seem more modern and friendly. Snoopy’s tastes were very retro 1970s, but not in an Austin Powers cool sort of way. He still had linoleum on the floors which I replaced with hardwoods to match the rest of the main level.
The pool is the last place I need to redo. I haven’t really figured out what I want to do with the space. It all looks like the inside of a sauna and I really want something a bit more upbeat. I was thinking of putting in a grotto with a waterfall?
What do you guys think of my place?

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Attention Deficit Disorder

Boy did I get a lesson this week. I went to my therapist as usual, since I felt that I had this attention deficit disorder. I've been a little depressed and off my game lately. The Yorkie sisters and Shi-wa both have stay at home moms and they talk about getting walks, treats and lot of attention all day long. My parents work all day long, so that I can have the coolest puppy hizzhouse on the block. I can't really complain, I pretty much have everything a hip poo on the make could want.

In talking to my therapist, we discussed that I didn't actually have attention deficit disorder, just because I wanted more attention from my parents. At that point, I knew this session was going to be expensive, really expensive. As we began discussing my issues, I realized that I don't really have an attention deficit. In truth, if my parents were around more, I'd probably loose my shit, since they would totally be cramping my style. I like having time during the day to have the Yorkie sisters over, or some other bitches. Yea, sure I'd like to be scratched more often, but at what expense? Heck if my parents were around more often, I'd be out of a job as a watch dog.

In the end, I have discovered that happiness is what you make of it. It comes from within and I learned that I should be content with what I have, because there are a lot of less fortunate dogs out there. These dogs and cats have it tough. Some of them have lived on the streets for a long time and are lucky to ever get adopted. So today I am volunteering to help out the Lost Dog & Cat Rescue, by promoting their site and their cause, so the next time you find yourself out there looking at new high priced pure breds, consider adopting. So anyway, I've learned a valuable lesson and I have managed to find a way not to end up giving my therapist a zillion bucks to tell me something I should have known all along. I have it good and happiness comes from inside, except where Cinnabones are concerned. And bitches too.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Iron Puppy Dog : Battle Dog Food

I was recently asked to compete on the Food Networks Iron Chef in Battle Dog Food. Considering how well fed I am, I was anxious to accept the invitation. I knew that I would do well against any of the chefs, although I thought that Morimoto would be a tough challenge since he is so experienced with fish and thus probably pretty good at cat food, so I decided that I would challenge Iron Chef Bobby Flay. There isn’t much to beating Cat Cora and Chris Symon’s laugh is a little annoying, so it was a pretty easy choice, especially since I wasn’t sure if Morimoto would understand me when I walking shit across the kitchen.

Battle Dog Food left me with a lot of interesting options. I decided to open with a little amuse bouche where I softened some cheddar cheese over a toasted Dragon’s Tooth. Flay answered with a pureed roasted poblano pepper over steamed milk bones. I thought it was the stereotypical Bobby Flay dish and not all that creative on his part.

For the second course I made some freeze dried kobe beef that I dusted with bleu cheese crumbles and some fresh sweet potato frites. It was my take on steak fromage. Iron Chef Flay countered with a braised cow tail, which was a total rip off of Merricks Texas Toothpicks that he served with an Aji pepper mayo sauce.

The third course is where I think I really kicked Flay’s ass. I served some leg of lamb crusted in crushed Dynabones over a mash of creamed kibble. While Flay countered with a braised bully stick with a Serrano pepper marinate. Uncreative and really, who wants to eat cow dick? Even the man who ate everything, Jeffrey Steingarten, balked.

For the fourth course I served a simple, medium rare roasted, organic postman with a nice light beef jus and lemon grass steamed broccoli. Mo Rocca loved the postman. I don’t even know what Bobby Flay was thinking when he decided to make baked Greenies in a chocolate mole. Greenies aren’t that healthy for dogs and no dog should eat chocolate. He should have used carob. Ted Allen killed him for that.

The last course was dessert. I decided to stick with something a little more conservative. I made a Frosty Paws brûlée with a caramelized Cinnabone garnish, while Flay made a French vanilla ice cream infused with lamb patty with a Beggin Strip for dipping. He was totally playing to Stiengarten who will eat anything that even looks like bacon.

I feel pretty good about the challenge, but I will not know who won until the show airs. I think that I really kicked Bobby Flay's ass for taste and originality, but I know I didn't do well at plating. How in the hell am I supposed to compte with a guy who has opposable thumbs? Anyway, let me know how you think things went by voting in my current poll.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

My Pet Peeves

Ironic that a dog has pet peeves, no?

1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all Dad!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? If I want to sniff every blade of grass that my perogative. I wonder what Bobby Brown would say.
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! Actually having to work for treats in general is annoying.
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Actually any haircut or bath with blow drying is a major pain in the ass
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo what a proud moment for someone with opposable thumbs.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back Mom!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. Again, we're going back the opposable thumbs thing.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Its time For A Change

Well, for years, I have had a hard time getting served in restaraunts and hotel type places because I don't have opposable thumbs. Now I have reached the point where I just can't take it anymore and I have to do something about it. I know its drastic, but I think now is the time for me to go and have this revolutionary surgery. The Swedes have always been medical pioneers. I will be participating in an experimental study to help more dogs lead more human lives. I have always felt like a person trapped in a dog's body. Its difficult to get around when you can't grip a key to lock the door. And thats essential in my neighborhood, with all sorts of shady pugs around.

I just need to find a suitable donor. A few years ago, I had a deal in place with an infant from the neighborhood, to swap some teeth for a thumb, unfortunatly she started teething and that killed the deal. The one thing I am worried about, is finding a thumb with nice black fur like my own, but the Fur Club for Puppy Dogs says that its not too hard to grow new fur anyplace, so that shouldn't be too bad.

I'm not too scared, there are current 2 other dogs who who have received thumb transplants and both of them are doing well, opening doors, flipping through the pages of magazines and even participating at the upcoming Olympics in archery. I am not so sure that I want to compete in the Olympics, but it would be nice to get a drivers license or do some other cool stuff. I'd at least be able to thumb a ride to my goumar's house. I am sure there are a zillion other things I can do once I get my thumb transplant. So feel free to post here, what else I can do, once I get my new thumbs.

Monday, February 11, 2008

What should I do next?

Ok peeps, its time for you help. I have been working long and hard lately at coming up with my next venture to make a few bucks. A poo has to live you know. So, I am asking you, my loyal readers to vote in my current poll and help me figure out how to make some big bucks.

The first idea is an old one. I have been kicking the idea around for a while. What I want to do is start The biddiness plan is simple. Get lots of good looking poo’s like myself to help out semi-lame guys pick up smoking’ hot bitches. The plan is simple, I am gonna pimp out my friends for $75 an hour to help guys pick up unsuspecting bitches in their ‘hood. Pro’s: Not a lot of work is needed on my part. Con’s: Even at $75/hour, its going to take some time before the cabbage starts rolling in.

My next idea is to write a best selling book on how to win Dance Dance Revolution for the Wii. I figure everyone who has a Wii will need this book to win the game. I figure knowledge like this will be indispensable to all of man kind. I can sell this book for $29.95. While the margins might be a little low for my typical enterprises, I think I can make up the difference in sheer volume. I was thinking for calling the book “Winning DDR: As Easy as 1-2-3-4”. Pro’s: After significant amount of up front time that is needed to get the book to the editor and publisher, I can just sit back and wait for the royalties to come tumbling on in. Con’s: It might be difficult for people to implement for 4-legged strategies, which would depress sales.

My last idea involves growing my current business enterprise. I could start franchising my security biddiness. I could start small, locally, by recruiting other less intelligent neighborhood watch dogs who don’t even know that what they do instinctively can be turned into a money making venture. I could even get them to purchase my own home security kit. I have to figure some day I could even have my own infomercials, like that clown John Basedow. Pro’s: Not a whole lot of work, other than filming the infomercial. Con’s: I might end up on like John Basedow.

Of course I could just stay small and continue sponging off my parents.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

We got a Wii!!!

I am not sure what got into Mom & Dad's heads, but something made them get up butt ass early on a cold Sunday morning and drag themselves to Circuit Shitty to get us as Wii. I stayed home, where it was warm and the thread count was high. Me, personally, I could live without one, but I do have to say that its nice to have around. I don't have to rely on chasing squirls or Jada to get my exercise. And that right there is really nice in the winter time when its cold, windy or rainy. I hate going outside when its muddy, then I get shit all over my feet when I am walking around.

The games are cool, but they certainly seem to have cut into the lets hang out and scratch the dog time. Wii Sports is cool, but it is kind of hard to play without opposable thumbs. Same thing with Tiger Woods 2008, although owner seemed very relaxed having gotten to play 18 yesterday as well as a couple of sets of tennis. Its a real tough country club life he's living. And people think I have it easy. No way am I getting to play golf and tennis all day long. Then mom comes home and plays Super Mario this and Super Mario that all evening long. Again, tough life. Not like she has to sit at a window all day trying to figure out novel approached to picking up shitzu's or how to foil scheming pugs. There must be 4 or 6 pugs in within a block, and all they do is try and break in to steal my stash of sum dum cat.

The one game that I did find on the Wii that I can play, because it doesn't depend on my ability to hold things in each hand and manipulate the buttons and controllers was Dance Dance Revolution. I picked it up pretty easily and dad says that I have some built in advantages. So having 4 legs is good. I can outplay anyone at DDR and I don't slip on the ice as much as some other people. Any way, here is a picture of me after busting a serious move at DDR! Perfect score! Lets see you two legged people types score like that on maximum difficulty.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Don't Eat the Yellow Snow

Trust me when I tell you this. I know where that stuff comes from. You don't want to eat it. Quite frankly, I have to question the intelligence or sanity of anyone who is even contemplating eating the yellow snow. And you shouldn't have to be told by your mother not to eat the yellow snow. Some things are just plain common sense. Although, I guess some kids get the "I have an honor student ..." bumper sticker and others get the "I have a wonderful kid ..." bumper sticker. I told you all a long time ago, that its the kid who gets the "I have a wonderful kid ..." bumper sticker that I am most afraid of. Because the common sense is just lacking for the "I have a wonderful kid ..." bumper sticker kid. 2nd grade just isn't that hard. I spent my elementary school years peeing on trees and chasing grounds keepers at Georgetown Pup. Yet, some place, someone is driving my mom's old Audi with an "I have an honor student at Georgetown Pup" bumper sticker on the back. It finally snowed here. I love the snow. I can't tell you why, but when it snows, something just sets me off. Even though its cold and I am not wearing very much, I love being outside when its snowing. Something makes me just want to run wild. It was funny to watch the owner slip and slide on the ice. Now I understand why he drives an SUV. 2 legs good, 4 legs better. Of course I did figure out that I can run wild inside where it is nice, warm and toasty. Not to mention, I wouldn't want the owner to forget that he owes me a treat off the end of the counter. So lets hurry up and go inside, its cold.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Living the Rich Life

Ok, I still don't like scotch, much to my owners chagrin, but a pint of Guiness still goes really well with a nice medium boddied cigar. I was kind of surprised, I don't usually hang out with him and his friends when they are drinking scotch and smoking cigars, but since I expressed some interest in the cigar he was smoking, he whipped one out for me. He said it was a milder, softer smoke that I might like. Knowing how much I like Guiness, he offered me a puppy pint to go with the smoke. I must say, I enjoyed the crunchy, fuzzy character of the cigar.

I certainly think that this can only enhance my reputation as an international puppy dog of mystery. I will need to see if I can find a store that takes my American Express card so that I can get myself a Hugh Hefner style smoking jacket. Ahh the good life. One lesson for everyone, avoid the wrong end of the cigar. Its not real tasty.

I wonder how this would go with a nice plate of sum dum cat and a side of Cinnabones in lobster sauce. Ya know, all this talk of food, drink and good life has me thinking that I should probably go out and get some lunch. There are some nice places to eat near the Williams Sonoma in Clarendon. The choices are endless. There are several Irish pubs who serve Guiness stew, one of my favorites. Just about anything with beef in it is a favorite. There's Indian, pizza, Mexican, Chineese, Italian, BBQ, wings ... Actually I think I will go for a walk down to my favorite BBQ joint, Rocklands for some ribs and onion rings. Yep, time to go, bye.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Trophy Time!

It finally came back from the taxidermist! I was really excited last night when the FedEx guy knocked on the door. Of course being the good home security expert that I am, I was the first person to the door. I was barking rabidly and as ferociously as possibly. Surely anyone on the other side of the door would have been scared off, had they not been here on official biddiness. I could hardly contain myself once I saw that it was FedEx guy. The owner insisted that it couldn't possibly be for me, but then again, he didn't know that I was expecting a package. You should have seen the look on his face after he signed for the package and handed it over to me, with an air bill that had my name on it! Mom helped me open the package and unwrap the carefully wrapped trophy. The fruits of my first class loofa hunting trip last month.

I must admit, I was really pleased with the workmanship. This thing looks great, the picture just doesn't do justice to the majestic, giant, rare, blue loofa of Arlington or the handiwork of the taxidermist. I am not sure where we're going to hang it, but I was thinking that someplace in the living room would be ideal. It's the perfect conversation piece at parties and other social gatherings, not to mention when I have bitches over. They can't help but be impressed with my skill as a loofa hunter. The giant, rare, blue loofa can only be caught in the wild, unlike the more common green or light blue loofa which can be found at PetSmarts nearly anywhere.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Help A Puppy Out

Ok, so I need some ideas for a new poll. We already know that bitches like it from behind and that I am better looking than Vinny Chase from HBO's Entorage. So how about some ideas, feel free to post them here.