Monday, December 31, 2007

Last Lesson For the Old Year

So its New Year's Eve, I am dressed in black tie and tail. I look sharp, sharper than usual, when dad asks me if I want to go out. Of course I want to go out. It’s a beautiful night out. It’s cool and clear, my kind of weather, the perfect weather for New Year's Eve.

And that’s when it happened, a couple of skeezers parked and got out of their car. Naturally I started wagging my tail and smiling at these bitches. They wanted me. They always do. They came right over to scratch me and I did my thing. Yet for some reason, the normally reliable wing dad wasn't playing along. After these bitches went on their way I did my biddeness and asked the parental unit why he was puppy blocking me, and he explained that you never pick up a chick wearing stripper glitter. When I asked why, he asked me if I wanted another bath this week, which of course I don't, and that’s when I realized that I got some of that shit on my fur. And to make matters worse, it doesn't come off. I have been licking at my fur for almost and hour, and its still there. Not only is Mom is gonna kill me, I am going to have a tough time explaining the stripper glitter to Shi-wa the Shi-zu. She's so shy as it is. So, if anyone has any good excuses, I need one ASAP, the wing dad wasn't too helpful this time. What the fuck do they put in stripper glitter? This stuff is like crazy glue. You would think they would make it come off easily so that guys don't get caught for going to the titty bar.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Guys Night Out

So mom took off to party in NYC ahead of the holidays. That left old man and me to our own devices. Not much debate on what to do with this opportunity. Dad got home from work, spiffed up and we didn't waste much time rollin into the city. Dad rocked out with jeans, a black shirt and his new black velvet Ralph Lauren sports coat. I of course went with my usual black fur coat. A hop, skip and a jump later we were in Georgetown. Mom was nice enough to leave her parking pass in the Benz, so we had some prime parking. Across the street was Morton's, so we went in for a drink. Dad had scotch; I went with some cold water, on the rocks. Later we went for dinner down the street. I was a little bit annoyed that we didn't stay at Morton's, since I was in the mood for a steak. However, since this wasn't the Capitol Grille, I wasn't too ticked off. We went to some joint down the street, the veal was ok, but the white chocolate dessert was excellent, even if it did end up all over my face. Dad cleaned me up before we left, and we headed down to M St to find some bitches. It was the usual Thursday night crowd. Lots of college chicks, who of course love me, but tend to travel in packs, like wild dogs, so in this case, having the Wing Dad around just wasn't enough. Lots of them said they wanted to take me home, but when we got down to brass tacks, they were all talk. Teases, every last one of them. So, after walking around a little, we headed over to the Ritz for some cocktails. In the lounge there, we met some tourons, who pretty much drove us from the place with idiotic questions and comments like, "I have never seen a talking dog before". Fucking hicks. Finally we left there and went back to Arlington, where the pickin's were much better. A quick stroll past my favorite Williams Sonoma, and voila, snacks and shacks. Williams Sonoma had some kind of cake samples that were ok, and a quick shack up with a westie. It was kindda nice, the waspy bitch wanted it done and over with faster than I did. Its nice not to have to make excuses in order to get out of there quickly, like, "I have to go home and take out my contacts or I'll get an eye infection". I got that one from my dad, he says its from his college days. Anyway, it took a little work and running around, but it was nice night out for the boys in black.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

What happened to fall?

Seriously, I don't know what you people did to the environment, but unfuck things, right now. Nobody needs to get their panties in a bunch, I am neither pro nor anti global warming. Just leave me and my owners alone when we're walking in Georgetown. Like fall seemed to last like 2-3 weeks. Its one of my favorite times of the year. The weather is perfect in the fall, especially if you were born with a fur coat. I live for the end of September, October and November. Unfortunately, September was hot. October was hot, November was warm, until midday on the Super Bowl of eating. I remember it distinctly, we went for a walk on Thanksgiving morning, it was perfect, the sun was shining, the leaves were turning, it was a perfect morning for lounging around, watching football and begging my head off for fresh roasted turkey. Then boom, right as we were headed to grandma's house, things turned ugly, and for the most part, its been uber shitty ever since. Not that I want to see 3' of snow like they had in Chicago, but its going to be as cold as the proverbial witches tit, I want some snow. There is nothing like getting off the leash and running wild in the snow. When I need a sweater on top of my fur coat, to go outside, its cold. Thats a fact.

I really feel gypped. Less than a month of cool, dry fall and we're into winter. I hate the winter, its cold, there aren't many long walks and the heat makes my skin dry. I hate going to the mall to get something keep my coat looking good and my skin feeling good. Everyone stares and points, like they have never seen a 0' 9" metro yorkie poo before. Spring is nice, it beats having to go out and take a leak on a snow bank, but I don't care for the pollen and I hate the rain. And then summer starts. Summer in DC sucks. It absolutely sucks. Its hot, humid and generally kindda stinky. Not in a Jacksonville kind of stink. Its just plain unpleasant. Not to mention how the humidity makes my fur smell. There is nothing worse than being a stinky P, which means I am getting tossed in the shower, regardless of how I feel about the situation. So really, all the leaves for me are a few weeks of fall which are optimal.

Perhaps I should drown my sorrows in some Olde Biscuit 800 and then go visit the Yorkie sisters or Shi-wa. Perhaps a date to the Williams Sonoma for some samples will get Shi-wa to stop playing hard to get.

Friday, December 14, 2007

The Great White Loofa Hunter

Ok, so I haven't posted in a while. I know bitches everywhere are wondering where I have been. Worry not, dear friends, no ills have befallen me, I was simply on vacation. This year's Hanukkah gift was a Loofa hunting expedition in deep, dark, south Arlington. I must admit, I was a bit perturbed when I found out that my parental units went off the list and got me something that I hadn't asked for or even talked about. However, I will admit, I was quite tickled at this gift. It showed me how much my parents loved me and understood me. I love hunting Loofa. Loofas come in all sizes and colors. Some even come as stretchy toys. You really have to love Loofa. What other single toy is going to provide me with squeeky end, a crunchy middle and a quacking back end. They really are the best out there.

We caught several Loofas on this expedition. I have to say that I have never had this level of success in hunting Loofa. We caught several medium sized Loofas, like the picture above, a few small Loofa that we had to let go and even one rare blue, giant Loofa. The rarest of all known Loofa. It took me several hours to corner the giant blue Loofa and subdue him. It was really quite an amazing experience to hunt Loofa in the wild. Its one thing to go to Pet Smart and stalk them on aisle 5 next to the wee-wee pads, but quite another to be prowling the wilds of Arlington VA with Juan Valdez and his trusty goat Pablo. The Loofas are native to south Arlington, although in recent ears they have become migratory, like coconuts.

The accommodations were first class, to say the least, I was picked up in a super stretch Escalade limo and taken to The Ritz in Pentagon City. The room was very nice and the club level amenities were not to be passed upon. They actually put out 5 spreads of food daily, including a very nice presentation of Solid Gold brand dog biscuits. Every night they put out a selection of local micro brew beers, which I thoroughly enjoyed. Gordon Biersch, Capitol City Brewery, Old Dominion Brewery, etc. I really liked the Old Dominion Oak Barrel Stout. It was really nice to get some scrambled eggs for breakfast and then hustle out on safari to bag some Loofa and then come back to my room for a bottomless plate of Cinna-bones before filling up on beer. It’s a dog's life. Unfortunately I do not have much vacation left to use up this year, I might take a long weekend to my country home in the mountains of Maryland, but other than that, I am going to have to accrue some vacation, and work my dog butt off to make sure that there are no shenanigans coming from the other side of the fence where Jada and her skeezer friends hang out plotting to steal my stash of Sum Dum Cat.