Iron Puppy Dog : Battle Dog Food

I was recently asked to compete on the Food Networks Iron Chef in Battle Dog Food. Considering how well fed I am, I was anxious to accept the invitation. I knew that I would do well against any of the chefs, although I thought that Morimoto would be a tough challenge since he is so experienced with fish and thus probably pretty good at cat food, so I decided that I would challenge Iron Chef Bobby Flay. There isn’t much to beating Cat Cora and Chris Symon’s laugh is a little annoying, so it was a pretty easy choice, especially since I wasn’t sure if Morimoto would understand me when I walking shit across the kitchen.

Battle Dog Food left me with a lot of interesting options. I decided to open with a little amuse bouche where I softened some cheddar cheese over a toasted Dragon’s Tooth. Flay answered with a pureed roasted poblano pepper over steamed milk bones. I thought it was the stereotypical Bobby Flay dish and not all that creative on his part.

For the second course I made some freeze dried kobe beef that I dusted with bleu cheese crumbles and some fresh sweet potato frites. It was my take on steak fromage. Iron Chef Flay countered with a braised cow tail, which was a total rip off of Merricks Texas Toothpicks that he served with an Aji pepper mayo sauce.

The third course is where I think I really kicked Flay’s ass. I served some leg of lamb crusted in crushed Dynabones over a mash of creamed kibble. While Flay countered with a braised bully stick with a Serrano pepper marinate. Uncreative and really, who wants to eat cow dick? Even the man who ate everything, Jeffrey Steingarten, balked.

For the fourth course I served a simple, medium rare roasted, organic postman with a nice light beef jus and lemon grass steamed broccoli. Mo Rocca loved the postman. I don’t even know what Bobby Flay was thinking when he decided to make baked Greenies in a chocolate mole. Greenies aren’t that healthy for dogs and no dog should eat chocolate. He should have used carob. Ted Allen killed him for that.

The last course was dessert. I decided to stick with something a little more conservative. I made a Frosty Paws brûlée with a caramelized Cinnabone garnish, while Flay made a French vanilla ice cream infused with lamb patty with a Beggin Strip for dipping. He was totally playing to Stiengarten who will eat anything that even looks like bacon.

I feel pretty good about the challenge, but I will not know who won until the show airs. I think that I really kicked Bobby Flay's ass for taste and originality, but I know I didn't do well at plating. How in the hell am I supposed to compte with a guy who has opposable thumbs? Anyway, let me know how you think things went by voting in my current poll.

My Pet Peeves

Ironic that a dog has pet peeves, no?

1. Blaming your farts on me..... not funny... not funny at all Dad!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway? If I want to sniff every blade of grass that my perogative. I wonder what Bobby Brown would say.
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose. Stop it! Actually having to work for treats in general is annoying.
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. Actually any haircut or bath with blow drying is a major pain in the ass
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo hoooooooo what a proud moment for someone with opposable thumbs.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back Mom!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet. Again, we're going back the opposable thumbs thing.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.